Today, I have reached a point in my life where I have accepted something in general.
I have no life.
My latest minor meltdown over the Yankees and some discussion and research has led me to that conclusion.
My life is made up of sleep, meals, work, and sports (my social vice)
The problem is that sports is so volatile and so random that it creates a bipolarity in me, I think. I tend to obsess over things in general. Throw that in and you get me. A person who basks in glory only to have it not last long enough and one who wallows in defeat which feels like a gut punch to your emotions.
So the question becomes: Why can't I get a life so I can get out of this?
This may be absolutely wrong, but right now it is what I believe. It is two things, one simple and one not.
The simple thing is simply getting up and going out and trying to make friends/ acquaintances is hard to do and there is failure in doing it.
The complicated reason that my obsessiveness and my knowledge of it acts as a barrier. I am protecting people from my obsessiveness. If I had a girlfriend, I am convinced that she would be on my mind all the time and I would want to control her (not physically but mentally). Why do I think that? Because I've seen it in the other interests that I have had, whether television or sports itself.
I also think I am a bit of an attention whore who want people to notice and respond to me. Which would add to that obsessiveness. Believe me, I know the helpfulness of solitude. Hell I'm writing this blog partially because I like to see responses to it. It gives me the feeling of being worth something.
So there it is. I think these are my vices. Obsessiveness, need for attention, lack of self confidence.
Even if nobody ends up reading this, it feels pretty good to get this out there, even if it is to try and get a reaction. which goes back to my need for attention.
What do you think? (haha)
You're getting there, Greg. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Being an attention whore is a cry for help in all the wrong ways. In order to truly fit in, you need to meet people on their level and not expect people to meet you on your level. I'm as bullheaded as you are but it's not about me. It's about the group. When you know your creating a scene, question your motivation. Is it healthy or are you feeding your own your need to prove you can be you in spite of knowing you drive people away? You want to fit in yet you behave as if people MUST accept you the way you are. We can love you just the way you are but that doesn't mean you can insist on being tolerated when you're being intolerable. Think of how it effects other people first before you press post. I have to do it myself and I've chosen NOT to post at times after typing. Maybe type your anger but don't post it next time. We all need a break sometimes. We gave you one because we see your value. Cultivate your value don't mitigate it with emotional baggage no one wants to see. I have more baggage then you'll ever know. But my life is short and I choose to be a person that people will accept on their terms, not mine. I would drive people away too if I thought that you HAVE to accept my emotional baggage.
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