I have gotten to the point in my sports existence where I understand that teams do lose games. However,last night, the New York Yankees lost a game that made me react in a way that I haven't in a very long time.
I'm not going to bore you with the details of it, you can look those up. But, it brought out rage in me that I haven't really felt in a long time. I was angry at anything and everything at once. Usually, the losses don't bother me but the reaction to the losses by other fans does. This loss bothered me. Like no loss has bothered me in at least a few years. I actually cried (more like teared up). At a fucking baseball game. I ranted and raved, and people said I was nuts (and I probably am). That it's one game and it doesn't affect my life, just like my parents and my psychologist said.
But it did this time. And that in itself, bothers me.
In fact it made my mood so dour, that I had to stop my workout after a half hour because I was in such a dour mood. I wasn't mean to my trainer and I'm going back tomorrow for a half hour to make it up.
But it got to me. Not just in the mind, not just in my mood, but in what I do with my time. It affected my life. And that makes it even worse. So I've decided to come to you about this and tell you about it, so that maybe you guys can understand and help me understand.
When I was in high school, I was very introverted socially. I could not interact with people socially because I didn't know much about music, movies, pop culture etc. (I've gotten better at that in time). But I did start to become knowledgeable about sports. And that is what sports in general has meant to me. It has been my social lifeline, my link to the outside. Along with that notion comes my belief (wrongly, but it is innerly in there), that the sports team you root for is your representation. It represents you. I've read some reports on sports fan psychology and this is not unusual. A lot of sports fans believe that their team is an extension of themselves. So essentially, through a transitive property, if the team is doing well, you are doing well. If the team sucks, you suck. I know it sounds stupid and illogical, but in my subconscious and emotions, it seems to take root. That is point #1.
Point #2 is that in this day and age of social media, Twitter and sports talk radio becomes an echo chamber of negativity. So that if said sports team is not doing well, there is an echo chamber effect where people are talking about it. So to go along with point #1, in these echo chambers, there are a bunch of voices that are basically saying "You suck." through point #1. I've mentioned my problems with fanbases in an earlier post. This is an extension of said problem.
I should add that Point #1 has an addendum that sports is essentially my hobby and pastime so it takes up a lot of time in my life and space in my mind in general.
Now to Point #3. And this is something ethereal. I described my pain last night as having been "violated" Now that is not, in relative terms, close to what happened. But in my mind, it seems to feel that way and let me explain why. In looking at Point #1, along with a team representing you, it kind of represents your faith. You put faith in something, you expect it to come to fruition. But when it doesn't, you feel cheated and somewhat have your trust violated. Now putting your faith/trust into a group of overpaid men who are hitting a ball for fun and making gobs of money seems on the surface, stupid. But once again, it goes back to Point #1. And if they fail, particularly in the way that they did last night, you feel violated and angry. That is the way I felt last night.
It's a huge jumble of thoughts. but it seems to extensively come down to this. I believe that the New York Yankees represent me and so if they fail, I fail. Not only do I fail, my faith fails, which makes me question the whole point of faith to begin with. And because of the echo chamber of life now, this feeling get intensified and repeated. And it comes to the point where I feel violated and it does affect my life.
As I said before I am a very insular person and when the one extension that I have seems to go wrong, it affects me a lot. And if I'm not going to blame the extension itself, it seems I lash out at the people on the other side.
And in terms of suppressing it, it takes up such a big chunk of my time and my mind that I don't know where to find a replacement that is currently at my fingertips, or a mental thing to replace it with that is readily available, cheap, and big enough to take it down.
So I am stuck in this cycle, which reminds me of a drug addiction. And I dont think there is something big enough and cheap enough that can get me out of it. And if there is, I hope somebody can tell me please. Thank you.
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